Wow, I cant believe I have now been on list a whole year, it has gone so scarily fast and still doesn't feel real at all. This post isn't going to be the happiest, so If you don't want to hear me 'moan' then i give you permission to leave.
When you go on the transplant list, one of the most important things they want you to do is to stay positive, and what they don't tell you is how hard it is to actually stay positive. Nobody really knows, except immediate family and like two friends, but two years ago I was diagnosed with quite bad depression and unfortunately its still on going. Wow, I cant believe i've just wrote that, I still may take it out yet. Its still something I don't want to come to terms with, or actually admit because actually, I'm quite embarrassed by the fact. People always say to me, that i'm brave and that its amazing I don't let it all get to me, when actually they couldn't be more wrong. I know with my illness, I shouldn't take my life for granted and I should live life to the full because I never know whats going to happen to me, but what do you do when actually all you want to do is stay in bed and hide away from the world. Don't get me wrong, not every day is like that, some days I think 'fuck it, i'ma live life and have fun' unfortunately, the days where i want to hide in a dark room and sleep away everything come more often.
So while I feel like this, do I deserve to get a transplant? There are other CFers out there, that live life to the full everyday, who deserve this second chance of life and will make it count. I want to make it count, but all my motivation has been taken from me and I hate it. I miss the days where I could just go out and do whatever and not lug a oxygen bottle around, or have to say no to something because I don't feel well, because its all a cycle, i need to do things to get me out of this rut, but then I feel like I cant do them because I feel so shitty, or I think if I do, do that, I will feel shitty.
I know these days should go once I've had my transplant, but what happens if they don't, what happens if they stay, I've wasted my second chance.
I'm sorry this post has been so dark If you've actually read it and I promise my next post will be happier. Thank you to everyone that has supported me, I love you all.
Happy one year on the transplant list.
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