I've really neglected my blog lately, I have so many ideas for posts but they're quite serious or quite tough subjects and I want to put them across correctly, so bare with me.
Over a year ago, i did a similar post to this called CF, friends and Boyfriends
CF, Friends and boyfriends
however, this post is going to be more on the whole boyfriends area, I mean since my last post I haven't been in a relationship but i've noticed myself doing certain things or feeling certain ways. I have no idea if other CFs are like this or its just me, knowing how I am, its probably just me as i see so many CFs in such amazing relationships. This is quite hard for me to write about, so please don't criticise me for it.
Where do i even start to explain... I mean, i've not always been like this, when i was in my younger teens it never bothered me one bit, but now i'm older I really find it hard to let myself like someone and not push them away if anything starts to get serious which it never really does because I don't really talk to anyone. *Que sad music*
I know this may sound like, i'm craving attention or whatever, but I'm honestly not, its just the way i feel. Its like, i feel like nobody could ever truly like/love me or even find me attractive, because how ill i currently am, I mean when you get comments from people like ' You'd be hotter if you didn't have tubes up your nose' and stuff like that, it does make you question it. Don't get me wrong most of the time comments like that don't normally bother me, but sometimes you can't help that it kind of does get to you. Like i said in that post over a year ago, who wants to end up with the 'ill' girl, especially right now, all I'm going to do is get worse, until, I get my transplant and even then when the oxygen tubes are gone, i'm going to be covered in even more scars and lets be honest, no-one finds scars attractive. I'm not ashamed of my scars, they're the reason I'm alive but that doesn't mean I want people to see them. Also, i have a tube in my stomach and a massive lump where my port is, its vile.
I stop myself talking to people, because I don't want to try and explain my condition to someone for them to either be completely put off and feel sorry for me. I've seen so many CFs like me, in such happy relationships, and their partners obviously don't care about the fact that their partner has oxygen tubes or in a wheelchair, it took me long enough to feel comfortable being like that with my best friend, and if it was a boy i think i'd just feel embarrassed. I mean what boyfriend would want to push his girlfriend around in a wheelchair or even see her looking like shit on a hospital bed, its not attractive at all.
I find it so hard to let someone in, seeing me at my worst, looking like shit lying there, getting out of breathe just walking to the toilet, coughing up massive lumps of green phlegm, with a bad stomach, the list goes on. Its even harder when someone doesn't have the slightest clue about your condition or understand, trying to explain you're not lazy you just have very little energy, and yes, i know that i'am more than my condition and all that shit but that doesn't help that i feel the way I do. I'm so jealous of the CFs that have found someone that they have been able to let in, its something I want more than everything but i just find it so hard!
My mom and family are always going on about me not having a boyfriend, but she doesn't understand how I feel, and the last thing I want to do, is sit there and explain all this to her and them.
I honestly feel like I will never find anybody, I really do. I feel so pathetic. Theres a lot more i feel, but this blog post is long enough and i don't blame anybody if they haven't made it this far.
I just hope people don't think i'm attention seeking or anything because thats not what this post is for. PLEASE, though, if any of you CFs feel like this or anything, please let me know.
Thanks for all your support guys, it means so much.
ALSO, last but not least, I'm doing an abseil down Aston Villa football ground next Sunday for CF
www.virginmoneygiving.com/TahliaBanksCF If you can donate I would appreciate it more than you will understand. Thank you.
Till next time,
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