Some of you that follow me on Facebook will already know but last week, I had a false alarm for Transplant. You know what though, why do we call it a false alarm, because they're is nothing 'false' about it. The way you feel is so very real but at the same time it doesn't quite feel real, its a strange mix of feelings from getting the call to getting ready to the call to say it can no longer go ahead. This is going to sound strange to some people but others may get it, i was gutted when I got the call to say the lungs were no good, but at the same time weirdly relived, as I felt I wasn't quite ready. When I got off the phone, the first thing my dad said was ' Are you ready for this' and in return I replied ' I don't know'. In my head after my last appointment there, I was convinced I would be wait at the least another six months, so when I got the call at 3.30am Wednesday morning, I was in utter disbelief that it was actually my time, they had actually found me a pair of lungs a lot sooner than anyone ever thought. I had built myself up so much for the wait that when I got the call it felt too soon. It also felt too soon because, i had all these things I wanted to do before it happened, like little things like write my parents and brother a letter, plan my funeral if it came to that, and I hadn't done none of it except write everything I wanted to do in a little book. This all makes me sound ungrateful I got a call at all, and it isn't that I'm so grateful, it was the most surreal and relived feeling ever, its just in my head I just didn't feel ready. All i've thought about since my last appointment was, I could live longer if I didn't have a transplant than if I did, but Its a risk I have to take, but I keep thinking, am I sure I want to take it.
I honestly don't think anybody can explain the feeling you get properly when you get that call, especially when you're woke up early hours of the morning, trying the listen to what they have to say on the phone while you're in a complete daze and once you slowly started to come to terms with it as you get ready, you get the call to say the lungs were no good, you just come crashing down. Looking back at it all now, it feels like a twisted dream or even nightmare, after running around the house trying to make sure you don't forget anything, to calling family and friends and worrying everyone. It's just so hard. How I see it now though, is I never felt a 100% ready and clearly it wasn't my turn, everything happens for reason. I do know now thought that I am top of the list and the call will come any second. Hopefully next time, I will be ready and it will be my time.
I want to thank everybody for being so supportive, especially the family and friends that were called at just an early hour.
Till next time,
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